Happy 54th Birthday

Every year April Fool's rolls around and I can't help but think of my dad.  He would have been 54 years old today.  I like to think he would be enjoying a slice of his favorite carmel cake, right about now.  I still can't eat that cake, without being reminded of him. 

 Just the other day I was trimming Penelope's finger nails and toes, just as I was about to finish, there was P's pinky toe looking right up at me.  This sounds silly, but it is the exact same toe nail as my dads.  He had these strange shaped toe nails, that he claimed were from wearing to small of shoes, but hate to break it to you dad, it's genetics.  I don't know how I have missed it so many other times.  I kissed that baby toes of her and smiled.

I cherish the little glimpses that I receive ever so often, that remind me my dad is right beside me and that he is proud of me.  Penelope and I were outside basking in the sun the other day, when I looked over at her and felt that overwhelming feeling that my dad loves that little girl of mine.  I imagined the way he would talk to her and make her feel like the princess that she is.  He always had a way of making me feel so special and I know without a doubt he would do the same for my daughter.  He defiantly was a softy when it came to his girls.

I am so grateful that I have my dad's eyes and that P has mine.  I feel like I see a little bit of my dad every time P smiles.  She also has his strong willed personality.  I have pictures down my hallway of my dad and each day as we walk by them, she likes to stop and point at his pictures.  I like to think that a little part of her still remembers him from heaven. 

Although my dad may have had his faults, he also had an amazing sense of humor, a laugh that would make your stomach hurt, a smile that could light up a room, dance moves you've never seen before, an outstanding artistic ability, a great friend, and a love for life and adventure. 

I am grateful for the lessons he has taught me and am grateful to know, that I will be able to see him again one day.

Butterfly Kisses

I was scrolling through Facebook today and came across this video.  It instantly brought me to tears.  All of those feelings and emotions that she was going through, became all too familiar.  It brought back those vivid memories and ache in my heart on my wedding day.  
I went back and forth on whether or not I should include the "daddy daughter" dance at my reception.  I didn't want to loose it on the dance floor.  I ultimately decided it is what my dad would want.  I was able to dance with my dad's best friend Sam.  I don't think I ever told him just how much that meant to me. 
Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of dancing with my dad on my wedding day.  I would imagine what song I would use and would tease my dad about they way he would be a blubbering mess.  He made it a point to dance with me at all of my cousins weddings.  Gosh I miss that guy!  I know that he was smiling down on me that day and continues to be by my side, as I dance my way through this life.   

Father's Day Part 2

Seeing as it was Tyson's first Father's Day, I wanted him to feel extra special.  He woke up to a new shaving kit that he had been eyeing for quite some time.  I also got him a tie, a picture of Penelope to take to his office, and his favorite donuts.  Kiersten and I made him German Pancakes with homemade syrup and fresh strawberries.

He took a nap while Kiersten and I went through a box of my dad's old things.  We sifted through old pictures, letters from his mission, and yearbooks.  It never gets old looking through his things.

Here are just a few of my favorite pictures.  It's crazy to see the similarities between my dad and brothers.  They have the same build, smile, hair, and interests.  Father's Day is always a little bittersweet.  I love to remember the good times I had with my dad.  He always had a way of making me feel special.  I miss making him laugh and seeing his eyes twinkle.  There are times when I look at Penelope and wish so badly I could see my dad with her.  I know that they would have a special bond.  I take comfort in knowing we will all be together one day.  I know my dad is smiling down on me and was with Penelope through her surgery.  I feel him by my side and still feel his nudge of encouragement to fulfill my dreams.    

I feel so blessed to have Jon as my father in law.  He is such a great example of love and generosity.  He is constantly serving others and wanting to make sure we have what we need.  He always goes above and beyond in everything he does.  I know that I can always turn to him for advice.  I love watching Penelope and him together.  Penelope see's him and instantly smiles.  She constantly looks up into his eyes.  He spoils us all like crazy.  GiGi even gets spoiled.  We tell GiGi when we are going to Grandpa's and she immediately runs to the door.  Thanks to Grandpa she has a whole plethora of treats and toys.  Our yard is beautiful thanks to his hard work.  He is our handyman and I appreciate him teaching Tyson the ropes.  He raised an amazing son and I'm so grateful for all he does.

We finished off the night with a delicious tri-tip dinner and strawberry shortcake.  

I am the luckiest girl to have these men in my life!

Day 16: Lot In Life

Day 16, Thursday: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it
Let me preface by saying I feel truly blessed for each "lot" I have been handed in life.  At the time they have seemed lofty and sometimes insurmountable, but as I look back over time, I can always see there was a reason and or lesson to be learned.
I grew up with a father who struggled with alcoholism on and off for as long as I can remember.  There were many times he wouldn't come home, sometimes days at a time.  I always wondered when I would see him next.  At the time I couldn't understand why he wouldn't come home.  It hurt every time he missed a dance recital or piano performance.  I hated seeing the disappointment in my siblings eyes when he would miss their big days.  I wanted so badly for him to be there for us.  Looking back, he did it to protect us.  I can honestly say I never had to see my father drunk.  There was never alcohol in our fridge and for that I am grateful.  While I can remember crying countless nights in my room for my dad to come home, it was probably for the best that he didn't.

I watched my dad struggle for so many years.  I know he wanted to be clean.  He attended rehab more than once in hopes to change.  I can't even image the addiction and struggles he had to go through.  I know without a shadow of a doubt, that my dad loved me.  I know he loved his kids and my mom with every fiber of his being.  He always described his addiction as an itch, that no matter what he did wouldn't go away.  I remember him telling me that in his darkest times he would think of me.  He called me his shinning star.  I still have the anklet he bought for me one Christmas.  It was silver with little diamonds all in the shape of star.  I cherish that. 

Although my childhood was difficult at times, there were many other aspect that were so wonderful. My dad was a kid at heart.  He was always bringing home some kind of toy.  I grew up snowmobiling, on the lake, skiing, fishing, camping, and my dads favorite shopping.  My dad had no fear.  I really don't think there was anything he was afraid of.  He had a love for motorcycles and custom built some of the most beautiful bikes.  If I ever have money one day, I will track them down and re buy them.  My dad taught me to not be afraid to get dirty.  I loved to play in the dirt, but when it was time I knew how to clean up.   

My favorite memories with my dad are when we would dance together.  Every wedding we would attend he would take me out on the dance floor.  We would always talk about the dance that would take place together on my wedding day.  He cried the first time he sent me on my way to prom in High School.  I was his little girl and he loved me fiercely.  I loved running up to his bedroom after I had just been back to school shopping.  I would put on a fashion show and show him every outfit.  He would eww and ahhh.

My dad had a twinkle in his eye and every time he would smile or laugh it would sparkle.  He would dance in the kitchen and shuffle his feet.  He blasted the Eagles and the Forrest Gump Soundtrack from his red Ford pickup.  He could tame any horse and had a special way with animals.  He had a passion for hunting and being out in the wild.
In the end his addiction ended up taking ahold of him.  He passed away in a car accident, while driving under the influence.  As much as it tore my heart apart losing my dad, I know that it was better for him. I don't have to worry about him anymore or worry if he is going to show up at some special occasion.  I feel him every day and know he is watching over me.  I can still feel his warmth on those hard days and feel of his love on those big days in my life.  My dad had some great friends who stepped perfectly into his shoes.  They watched me be sealed in the Temple to Tyson and danced with me on my wedding day.  I know that meant the world to my dad.  It did to me!

I miss my dad every day.  What I would give to see him with Penelope.  I take comfort in knowing that he is watching over me.  I have a testimony of God's plan and know that all things are going to be made right.  I look forward to the day when I will see him again.  I can't wait to feel his arms around me.  He gave the best hugs.
The Gospel is what has gotten me through the hard times.  I use what I have learned from my childhood and try to implement it into my daily life.  With Penelope's up and coming surgery there are many days I find myself struggling to find strength.  I have to remind myself that "I can do hard things."  I can rely on the Lord to carry me through.  I have my dad and Savior by my side.  
I can always turn to the scriptures to give me strength.  One of my favorite scriptures is 
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Things have been tough at times, but there has always been joy along the way and many lessons learned.

7 Years....

It is crazy to think it has been seven years tomorrow since I lost my dad.  

So much has happened since then.

College Graduation, Lotoja, Skydiving, Wedding Day, Motherhood

(All things I had talked to him about doing)

Although each day I have missed having him here with me I still feel his presence.

I know he is still my greatest fan and believes in all my aspirations.

No dream of mine was to big in his eyes.

I have that same determined, passionate, ambitious, free spirited soul as him.

Tyson has never met my dad, but I feel he gets to know a piece of him through my brothers.

Nick shares the same love for hunting and his Navajo culture.  He loves his kids the way my dad loved us.

Tate has his laugh, walk, little legs, broad shoulders, and witty personality.  He can draw, paint, restore cars and motorcycles, and fish just like my dad.

Josh has his thick hands and feet, his genuine smile, and no fear attitude. 

Although my dad had his weaknesses, I know that he did the very best that he knew how.

He no longer has to suffer from addiction and unbearable temptation.

When times get tough I draw upon the remembrance of peace and comfort I felt when I heard the news that my dad had died.  Never before had I known the essence of the word the comforter.  Even still the Lord grants me tender mercies to know my dad is near.  

Every time I hear the Eagles playing or the sound of a Harley Davidson I am reminded of him.  When I see a birds of paradise flower I know he his smiling down from heaven.

I look forward to the reunion that we will have one day.

He still owes me a father daughter dance.

My Dad

I can't believe it has been six years since I lost my dad.  He has been on my mind a lot lately.  I have been missing his smile, his squinty eyes and the way they would light up when he smiled, the way he would call me his star, his voice, his belly, his cooking, his hugs, the way he would scuffle his feet when he danced in the kitchen, and most of all his contagious laugh. 

The Gospel is the only thing that has gotten me through the tough times.  Knowing that I will see my dad again, makes everything better.  I look forward to the day I can wrap my arms around him and give him a kiss on the cheek.  For now, I am grateful for the tender mercies I have received along the way.  I know he is still with me and watching over me daily.  I find comfort in knowing he is in good hands and is in a better place. 

My brother Tate filled my eyes with tears today, as I read his status:

"Missin' my old man lately. You learn to live with one of the biggest parts of your life gone. You try to pretend like it never happened all the time but then there are days when you realize things. He is not coming back. It's tough until you realize you talk to kids just like he did, his laugh bellows out of your mouth every once in a while, ha and you even sneeze like him. He is gone but his influence lives in me. He is in all aspects of my life. I'm grateful for the man I saw that my father was. I'm grateful through all his trials I only saw a hero."

I am so happy I got to be his little girl and he got to be my dad.  I wouldn't of had it any other way.  

Happy Father's Day

I wanted to wish my dad a Happy Father's Day! There are so many things to be grateful for and my dad is one of them. I have to say I was a daddy's girl. My dad always had a way of making me feel special.

There are many things I will never forget about him. Date night, shopping at Nordstorms, dancing in the kitchen, letting me pick at his face, his twinkling eyes, his Birkenstocks with socks, his stew, his knowledge of the scriptures, the way he taught me to love people no matter what their circumstances are, his laugh, his jokes, and his smile.

I give all of the credit to my dad for my outdoorsy/adventurous side. He taught me the love for skiing, biking, fishing, camping, horses, snowmobiling, golfing, boating, four wheeling, and much much more. He taught me to never give up and to always pick myself up when I am down. I love you daddy!

It has been a while since I have celebrated Father's Day. This year is different. I have been blessed with the most wonderful father-in-law. He has taught me so many things already. He is always actively serving others, putting the church and family first, he is the most giving and kind man, he let's me tease him, and what can I say, he raised an incredible young man.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to all of the wonderful dads!!!!