My Postpartum Realization

I debated back and forth about posting my experience with postpartum depression, but in hopes of helping another mama out there, I decided to put aside my own insecurities and go for it.  It all started about twelve months ago in the delivery room, I'm pretty sure that was the beginning of it all.  After Lucy's traumatic birth, I was never the same.  To this day it is still a hazy blur.  I remember being so completely exhausted after Lucy's birth, I couldn't even muster up the strength to hold and enjoy my own baby.  I so deeply yurned to hold her and never let her go.  I so badly wanted the same incredible experience that I had with Penelope.  Those first few minutes, I believe are so crucial, especially if you have had a positive experience in the past.  I kept my eyes closed for what felt like days, it took too much energy to even open them.  I wanted anyone who came to visit to hold sweet Lucy so that she could have that bonding time.  The pain of the c-section and the recovery were extremely rough on me.  Most people I talked with would tell me that theirs wasn't too bad and some would even say they would prefer a c-section over a vaginal birth.  I felt so unvalidated in my recovery.

I remember getting home from the hospital and feeling so overwhelmed.  I had no idea how I was going to manage having a newborn and a toddler.  I wasn't allowed to pick up P or even drive.  I just couldn't wrap my head around it all.  The thought and process of nursing was almost too much to bear.  The pressure I felt with nursing was at times unbearable.  It was painful and a lot of work.  If I could go back in time, that might be one of the first things I would have changed.  It's not the end of the world if your baby has to take a bottle.  I realized now you have to do what is best for you and your baby. 

The day after we got home from the hospital we had Lucy's newborn photo shoot.  I don't even remember why, but I broke down afterwards to my sister-in-law.  I figured it was the baby blues that I had heard so much about and assumed it would pass as I adjusted to being a new mama to two little ones.

I had a lot of help the first couple of weeks and I could never thank all of those that helped me and my family out.  I about died when the time came for my mom to go home.  I was such a mess inside that I think Tyson could sense something was up and he flew my sister out to be with me.  It was again a HUGE help.  After the help went away I felt so alone.  More alone than I had ever felt before.  I had so many different battles going on in my head.  I wanted to just take Lucy away with me and snuggle with her, but knew that was not possible with a near two year old at home.  I wanted to steal P away and just spend some quality time with her.  Trying to find the balance between the two was so hard.  Getting out of the house wasn't even an option, it hurt so badly to even walk up my stairs.  Physical and emotionally I was hurting.  I didn't know how to even begin processing all the emotions that I was feeling.

Life seemed to be moving forward but I somehow still felt like I was strapped to that operating table shaking and praying I would survive.  It seems dramatic, but it's honestly how I felt.  The busy season of photo sessions rolled around and I thought taking some "me" time would be great.  I figured I would channel my emotions and get lost in my photography.  I was still recovering from my c-section and can remember how badly it hurt to get low to take those pictures.  I smiled through each photo shoot and went home exhausted.  I stayed up way too many nights editing and felt like the room was slowly closing in on me.  I had the hardest time saying no to people when they asked me to take their family photos.  So I kept saying yes, even though I was screaming no inside.  The sessions seemed to keep piling up.  The only thing that got me through those months was telling myself I would have a break come January.

Tyson was away for business for what felt like months.  I was homes struggling and couldn't quite find the words to express to him quite how I felt.  Anytime I would try I'm sure I came across as the worst mom ever and oh how the guilt would set in.  It wasn't the typical mom guilt it was the heart crushing, gut wrenching kind.  I couldn't grasp why I felt so horrible.  I knew I had a great life and had so much to be grateful for, so why did I feel so terrible?  Why couldn't I connect with my new baby and husband?  I just couldn't seem to wrap my head around it all.  

I remember calling my mom multiple times a day in tears.  I honestly didn't know how I was going to make it through the day.  I felt like the worst mother possible and wanted so much more for my girls.  I knew what they deserved and felt like I wasn't giving them what they needed.  I felt like I fell short each and every day.  My anxiety was through the roof and I couldn't seem to hold still for too long.  Anytime someone would ask me to bring something to a party or do something that was out of my normal routine, it about threw me over the edge.  I would just smile and say yes.  It all added to my guilt.  Why couldn't I pull it together?  How was everyone else doing this mom thing and with way more kids than I had?  I just felt like I would never match up.  The weight was not coming off physically or emotionally.  My self esteem was at an all time low and I honestly just felt worthless.  I knew I had to keep pedaling, but wasn't sure how much longer I could do it.  

Anyone who knew me just thought I was stressed, because to this day, people still say, "I don't want to stress you out."  I was stressed, but it was so much more than that.  I didn't want to tell anyone how badly I was struggling other than my mom and sister for fear they would judge my mothering and knew it would only add to my downward spiral of emotions.  I hated asking anyone for help and it killed me anytime I had to ask someone to watch my kids.  It seriously ate at me.  Tyson ended up getting me a nanny for the girls two days a week so I could have some alone time and catch up on my editing.  Sam was a life savor and helped me out so much, but for some reason that still wasn't relieving all the feelings I was having.  I decided to put my photography on hold, until I could figure out what was going on.  I kept eliminating things, but it seemed the more I eliminated the heavier the weight I was carrying around got.

It got pretty bad towards the end.  I had feelings that were not so good.  I felt my family would be better off without me and figured there was someone out there that was much more suitable to raise my family.  There had to be someone that could make my husband and kids happy.  I felt like I wasn't doing a good job and just wanted to run away.  I knew this wasn't an option, but it crossed my mind more times than I would like to admit.  

Enough was enough!  The weight become too heavy to bear and I had to get some answers.  Why it took so long I have no idea.  There was a night awhile back were I was sitting in my favorite chair the words postpartum depression came to mind.  The words were clear as day.  I immediately looked up the symptoms online and instantly knew that's what I had been suffering with.  I never had trouble when P was born, so I had no idea I was susceptible to this kind of depression.  I called my mom and told her I finally realized what was going on.  She had mentioned previously that she thought I might be struggling with depression, but would always blow it off and would sometimes be defensive.  I guess it took realizing it on my own.  

I called my doctors office and they got me in that day.  I talked with the nurse practitioner and told her all of the things I had been feeling or not feeling for the past nine months.  She immediately prescibed me Zoloft.  I was desperate and was willing to give the meds a shot.  I swallowed my pride and knew this was a battle I just wasn't ever going to over come on my own.  We talked a bit about the triggers of postpartum depression and for once felt validated in everything I had been feeling.  She said how terrible she felt that I was battling this for so long.  If only I had known.......  She referred me to a social worker who specialized in postpartum depression and anxiety.  I couldn't wait to meet with her.

I took my first pill that night and after a couple of days it was like the clouds parted and the sun's rays were bursting through all of the darkness.  For the first time in almost a year I felt like my old self.  I felt joy!  I didn't feel like I was near drowning and the daily nuances didn't make me feel like I was jumping over a hurdle.  Life slowed back down to a pace I could keep up with and I started to appreciate each and every moment.  The downward spiral of guilt was finally broken.  I could be the mom that was so badly wanting to escape my broken heart.   

The social worker I was referred to had me fill out a questioner that rated my emotions from 1 to 10.  I knew in that moment the meds were working.  I told her that if she would have had me fill it out a couple weeks ago, what I now rated as a 9 or 10 would have then been a 1 or 2.  It was seriously like night and day in comparison to how I had previously felt.  I met with her a couple of times, but didn't feel I needed to meet with her any longer. 
Tyson purchased me a bike that was therapy enough!  It felt soooo good to be back on my bike.  I had never felt so free and alive.  My bike has saved me more times than I can count.  I am able to sort through my feelings out on the road and always come back in a great mood.
I am still currently on the meds and don't plan on going off of them any time soon.  I have a whole new understanding and perspective on depression.  I was able to understand the chemical imbalances that my body was going through and the importance of getting those happy receptors back on track.  I know meds aren't for everyone, but they worked miracles for me.   This motherhood thing is rough, definitely the hardest thing I have ever done, but by far the most rewarding.  Please don't think for one second I ever stopped loving my kids or husband.  I love them so deeply and I think that's why it only added to the hurt and guilt I was feeling.  
I still have a hard time looking back on the first three fourths of Lucy's first year.  It was a bit of a haze and so badly wish I could go back.  I know that's not possible, so I have been trying my hardest to be the best mama I can to my girls.  I don't spend time beating myself up at the end of the day and can see light at the end of the tunnel on those hard days.  I can laugh now at situations that at the time seemed unbearable. 
I'm hoping that by opening up about my experience, someone out there might not feel alone any longer.  I felt alone for too long and don't want anyone to suffer the way I did.  I have more compassion now towards others and has really had my eyes opened to the fact that we truly don't understand what others might be going through.  To not judge anyones mothering because for the most part, we are all just trying to do the best that we know how.  
I love my family more than I could ever possibly express.  They rock my world in the best way possible.  Each day I strive to be a little better, but also make sure to give myself a break every once in awhile.  The mom guilt stuff can get the best of us.  I feel like satan wants us to get down on ourselves and make us feel inadequate.  We are so much more than we ever give ourselves credit for.  If we could only see our true potential and the way God see's us, I think this world would be a better place.   

Twenty-Nine

Monday I celebrated my 29th Birthday!  I can't believe it's my last year in my twenties.  I still feel like I'm 18.  I was spoiled by my family and friends.  I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people.  Each person in my life, has helped mold me into who I am today.  I like to think I have come a long ways.  I can only hope that I continue to improve.
It's amazing how time changes things.  Not only in a physical way, but also spiritually and mentally.  I feel like I am finally starting to get the hang of things.  I am a slow learner, but am thankful for everyone who has been patient with me and allowed me to grow.
When I first moved to Fresno, I was miserable.  I had the HARDEST time adjusting to my new life.  I felt like I lost a part of me when I moved and was afraid I was never going to be the same.  While I loved my husband so much, all I wanted to do was get in my car and drive back home.  I fell into a dark place.  I had all of the expectations of how I thought life was going to be.  I expected everyone to welcome me with open arms and know just what to say to make me feel better.  I was beyond negative and didn't want to be around anyone.  There were a lot of tears shed and an emptiness in my stomach.  I didn't want to believe anyone when they said things would get better and I would actually come to like the Central Valley.  I put a wall up and didn't allow anyone to see the real me.  
For our one year anniversary Tyson got me GiGi.  She literally saved me.  I finally felt like I had something that was all mine and she needed me as much as I needed her.  My sadness got soaked up by her fluffy hair and spunky personality.  Things didn't change immediately with my attitude towards everything else, but it sure helped heaps.  
Tyson knew I still wanted to be back in Utah.  He finally gave into the idea of moving back.  We decided to pray about things.  Not long after praying about the situation, I knew we were meant to be in Fresno.  I had to fully put my trust in the Lord and move forward with my answer.  The Lord has never steered me wrong and I had to put my faith in him that this time would be no different.
Time has definitely worked in my favor.  I have come to love where I live and adore the people that surround me.  I have realized that my happiness shouldn't be dependent on other people.  It's up to me to be happy no matter the situation.  Everyone is different and has different personalities.  For the most part, everyone is doing the very best that they can.  I have learned to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  It has taken time, but not being easily offended has been something I have worked on.  I try to express fewer negatives and look for the positive in every situation.  Being bitter and holding grudges only hurt me. 
Finding new things and hobbies really helped as well.  Photography had never even crossed my mind before I had moved here.  I decided it was something I could put my focus on and really grow.  I also got certified to teach Zumba.  I loved and continue to love seeing the transformation in my students.  Each one of them has made me better.
Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect.  I know that I have so much more growth ahead of me, but am grateful to look back and see how far I have come.  
Life is pretty amazing and I can only hope I am learning all that I am intended to.  Hopefully I will be blessed with many more years to learn and grow.  Having an amazing and supportive husband, who is my shining example really helps.  Being a mother continues to break me down and brings me to my knees more often than not, but I love every minute of this new role. 
So here's to my last year in my twenties.  I am surely going to give it all that I've got!

Ten Things

A blogger friend of mine wrote this post the other day and it really stuck out to me.  She was informed of a link up, where you are to write 10 things you LOVE about yourself.  Her post was inspiring and I thought why not give it a shot.  I have a really hard time picking out the good in myself, just ask my husband, mom or sister.  They are the closest to me and get bothered often with the negative comments that I say about myself.  It never really mattered to me, until I had Penelope.  I have had to become so much more aware of how I speak about myself.  I always want her to not only think, but know that she is beautiful inside and out.  I want to raise a confident daughter who radiates the goodness she has inside of herself.  So here's to working on a more positive me! 

^^^ Don't mind the random selfie I took to show my little brother my longer hair. ^^^
1. I love my hair.  I was blessed to get my dads voluptuous hair.  It has the same wave and color as his.  All of my hair dressers have commented on how much they enjoy doing my hair.  It has just the right amount of curl to give it that extra bounce.  
2. I am a good baker.  I credit this to my taste buds, which are rather strong.  Once I find a recipe I like, I have the ability to tweak it just so.  I have mastered the time allotment to bake my cookies, breads and cakes, so that they are perfectly moist. 
3. I am resilient.  I had a great childhood, but had my fair share of difficulties.  I grew up with an alcoholic father who passed away when I was in my early 20's.  If I get knocked down, I have the ability to pick myself right up and start where I left off.  I look at each trial as an opportunity to learn and grow, not as a set back, but a jolt forward.
4. I have a passion for dance and it shows as I teach Zumba class each week.  I get chills at times, when I look out into my class and see the progress certain individuals have made, since I started teaching them.  Many have told me their weight loss is because of me.  Many have also commented on how I inspire them through my dancing. 
5. I am a loyal friend.  One of the biggest things I look for when finding a friend, is how trustworthy they are.  I think that is because it is so important to me.  I have the ability to keep things in and not let them fester or feel like I have to tell someone else.  I may not always remember birthdays, but I am always there for my friends.
6. I am a good mom.  This has been one of the most important roles I have ever played.  It has been the most rewarding and amazing job.  I love my baby with every fiber of my being and get teary eyed just thinking about her and the one growing inside of me.  There is nothing and I mean nothing I would't do for my children.  Every day I make sure to kiss her, squeeze her and tell her how much I love her.  
7. If I set a goal, I always follow through.  My determination is what drives me forward.  I am always striving to improve myself and learn new things.  I tend to get carried away at times, but that's what makes me, me.  Whether it was deciding to ride my bike 206 miles in one day, making a million bows and thinking I wanted to sell them, starting a photography business or putting myself through college.  
8. I love my smile.  I was always bugged at photographers growing up, who would tell me not to smile.  I knew how ridiculous those pictures would end up looking.  I promise if I am not smiling, I tend to look a little mad.  It is one of the things that I get complimented on most and love that my daughter shares the same grin, but if you ask me, hers is cuter.
9.  I have a good eye for things, whether it be through my camera lens or picking out colors for rooms in my house.  I can find unique dresses and shoes and am not afraid to be different.  People sometimes question my ideas, but once they see them fully executed, they couldn't agree more.
10. I can learn most any song, after only hearing it a few times.  It doesn't matter the radio station or person playing DJ, I will know the words to the song they play.  Music speaks to my soul and that just may be why.  
Now it's your turn!  Send me a link of yours below in my comments.   I would LOVE to read what you LOVE about yourself.  It took me awhile, but I'm happy I did it.  

Day 14: 10 Things That Make Me Happy

Day 14 of blog every day in May challenge is to write about 10 things that make me really happy!

1. Nothing makes me happier than being with my husband.  My favorite is Friday nights when we get home from dinner early, snuggle on the couch and eat ice cream, all while watching our shows.

2. Blasting music while I am driving in the car, cleaning, or cooking.  It makes me especially happy when I discover a new song.

3. Being on the lake.  I love the last hour right before the sun starts to go down.  

4. Going out to eat.  Food is truly the way to my heart.  Food just makes me happy!

5. Camping!  I love the smell of the campfire, smore's, tin foil dinners and the deep conversations that take place.

6. Reading a good book, especially while I am laying out on the beach.

7.  When my dog GiGi greets me at the door.  She makes you feel like I am the most important person in the world.

8. My knowledge of the Plan of Salvation.  It brings me so much hope and makes the hard times easier.

9. My daughter!  She brings me so much happiness.  I can't even describe the joy and purpose she has brought into my life.  I especially love watching Tyson and her together and their special bond.

10. Going out to breakfast on Saturday mornings!
What makes you happy?

Spring Boutique

This past Wednesday I hosted a Spring Boutique at my house.  A lot of planning and hard work went into this event.  I have never been one to have things at my house, but decided it was time.  I figured it would be the perfect opportunity to launch my bow business.  I spent many days and late nights working on bows and headbands.  I had a lot of help from family and friends to make this happen.  I especially could not have done it without my mother-in-laws help.

The evening ended up perfect.  Their was just the right amount of flow of people.  The food was a hit!  

My friend Jill sold her Sprinklings necklaces.  They are the cutest accessory to any little girls outfit.

My sister Cara introduced her new spray tanning business.  She offers spray tan parties, where she will come to your house.  Her table ended up looking darling.

My other sister in law Jana sold jewelry.  I loved the assortment of colors.  I could have bought one of every kind.

I forgot to get a picture but my friend Emily sold Scentsy.

All Things Frosted donated the yummiest cupcakes.  I couldn't stop eating them.

Penelope was the perfect bow model.

My friend Erin brought her Candy Kirby Designs leggings.  They are to die for.

My other friend Whitney made the most convenient snack bags to sell.

There was even Mud Pie and Jelly The Pug clothing.  I wanted to buy every outfit for Penelope.

And of course oodles of bows, made by yours truly.

It was such a fun night, but I was so excited to call it a wrap.  I will be in Utah in a couple of weeks to sell my bows.  I can't wait to get them out there.  I will also be doing another boutique in the fall.  In the mean time, I am so happy to have my glue gun and ribbon on hold.

Tagged

My cute sister in-law Cortney tagged me in her post, so I thought, why not give it a try.

Sorry it took so long!

11 Random Facts about myself

1.  I miss riding my bike every single day.  I look forward to the day when I get another one. 

2.  I used to have my toe nails painted perfectly for years.  This is no longer the case, just ask my husband.

3.  I don't like to cook, but I LOVE to bake.

4.  I absolutely love going out to eat. 

5.  I feel uncomfortable in silence, so I have music on at all times.

6.  I have a picking/plucking addiction.

7.  I strongly dislike running.  I have tried so many times to change that.

8.  Anthropolige candles are my favorite.

9.  I want to write a book one day.

10.  My feet are always on the dashboard when riding in the passenger seat of a car.  

11.  I love road trips.

11 Questions to answer:

1.  What is your favorite past time?

Living in Draper, with the Killpacks.  

2.  What is your favorite color?

Anything bright.

3.  What is the most memorable experience you have had?

Too many to just pick one.

Graduating College

Finishing Lotoja

and of course my Wedding Day!

4.  If you could do anything what would it be?

Grow old with Tyson, in Heber City, UT

5.  What is your favorite movie?

Dan In Real Life, Dear John, The Vow

6.  Where would you go on vacation to?

Russia.  I would love to hear Tyson speak the language 24/7.

7.  What is something that has made your a stronger person?

Learning to rely and trust in the Lord's plan.  Knowing that if I do so, I will have eternal happiness.  

8.  Who is your idol?

My mother!  She is by far the strongest, most beautiful, talented, loving person I know.

9.  If you could change one thing from your past what would it be?

Be more kind in Highschool :)

10.  What is something unique about you?

I gave up caffeine two years ago, to prove to Tyson that I was not addicted.  I have yet to cave. 

11.  Where do you plan to be in ten years?

I hope to be at home raising a house full of kids.

Introvert 101

I came across this blog.  Let's just say, I love this blog.  I love blogs in general.  I especially love the ones that make you feel somewhat normal.  

I copied this list from her blog.  It is some myths that go along with introverts.  To really understand me, read below.

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days. 

(This is very true!  I do not like a lot of questions.  I am more into deep conversations.  Strongly dislike small chit chat).

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite. 

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting. 

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in. 

(I was never the girl with tons of girl friends.  I prefer small groups).

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts. 


(I do enjoy going out, however I really enjoy the part when I get to go home.  I really really enjoy sitting on my couch or laying in my bed.  If you have lived with me, you know I spend the majority of my time, locked up in my room.  Some took it personal, it wasn't).


Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time. 

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy. 

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them. 

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up. 

(This is true, minus the adrenaline junkie section.  I loved skydiving and jumping off cliffs.... small cliffs that is).

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

This is truly one of the characteristics I got from my father.  My family laughed when I shared this with them.  They said this was spot on.  Now don't get me wrong, I know how to put on a fake smile and shoot the breeze with folks, when needed.  However, in my perfect world, I would be home with my hubby on the couch with Gigi.