I am not going to lie I have been down in the dumps these past couple of weeks. I am not sure if it was the news of Penelope's heart and allowing myself to feel fear or worry or the frustration of not being able to get rid of this baby weight. I am sure it is a mixture of all things.
I have never been one that had to worry about weight. Growing up I was always self conscious about how skinny I was. People would tease me and thought I was anorexic, when really I just danced 24/7 and had no time to pack on the pounds. I hated that I was flat chested and never felt very comfortable around the boys. All the other girls had curves and I was stick straight like a boy. Once I graduated high school I happily put on the freshman fifteen. Since then I had been okay with the way that I looked. I usually ate what I wanted and was somewhat comfortable in my own skin. There were always those days where I thought I was bigger than I would like, but every year I look back on pictures and wonder why I thought I was so big at the time. I think what I would give to look like that again.
Being pregnant was a brand new thing for me. I couldn't wait to be pregnant and have that cute little belly that you see so many girls with. But that stage just never happened for me. I put on a ton a weight, like 50 plus pounds ton of weight. My feet were so swollen and killed to stand on for longer than five minutes, which in turn didn't allow me to work out. Everyone would tell me it was just water weight. I really wanted to believe them. I also looked forward to breast feeding because my mom always told me how the pounds just fell right off of her when she breastfed us kids.
Fast forward to three months postpartum and I am having a really hard time. I haven't lost a pound in over two months and my wedding ring is no where close to fitting. The first 30 pounds came right off, but ever since I have just been at a stand still. I have been eating healthier than ever and have been working out. Don't get me wrong I still have my treats here and there but nothing like I used to. It has been very frustrating. Everyone around me tells me how great I look, but all I see if a girl still wearing maternity jeans and very unhappy with the way I look and feel. Tyson is a sweet heart and does nothing but try to make me feel better about myself.
I don't like feeling negative and really want to be comfortable in my own skin. I have grown up with my mom, who I think is gorgeous and tiny as ever. She is always telling me how she doesn't like the way she looks. It must be a girl thing. The other day I read a quote on Pinterest that said something along the lines of, I never heard my mother talk good about herself, I never heard my friends talk good about themselves, and I never heard my sisters talk good about themselves. I am going to make sure that I talk good about myself so that my daughter will know how to talk good about herself. This really stuck out to me and hit a chord within myself. I want Penelope to always know that she is beautiful and that Heavenly Father loves her so much. I want her to know that she is so special and that she is wonderful in every way. I don't want her to think less of herself for any reason.
I know that Heavenly Father loves me and is so proud of what I am doing as a mother. On the way home from Newport Tyson and I stopped off at Cafe Rio. There was the sweetest lady there wiping down the tables. She saw Penelope and asked her name and how old she was. Just as I was about to leave she told me how great I looked. I of course don't know how to take a compliment and told her thank you but that I had a long ways to go. She told me to say thank you and to feel good about where I was. It was something simple but I know that it was a tender mercy. A sweet comment from a little stranger. She really made my night.
I am learning to love myself. I have a long ways to go but I want to for my daughter. Isn't it amazing how our babies can help us be better people without even knowing it. This is a new stage of life for me and a growing experience for sure. I am continuing to learn about patience and with prayer I know I can see myself the way the Lord would have me.