Sunday, April 28

On My Mind

This past weekend was a busy one.  I think I jam packed it full of events, so I could distract my mind from Penelope's surgery.  It has been so difficult to not let my mind drift to the negative aspects of the surgery.  There have been wonderful people who have already been praying for Penelope and other tender moments along the way.  

As I was driving home from the hospital the other day I was having a moment.  I was listening to the hymn "I Know That My Redeemer Lives." I was so overwhelmed with emotion.  I was having a hard time keeping it together.  All of a sudden a man on a Harley passed me.  There is nothing that reminds me of my dad more than the sound of a Harley.  I immediately knew he was with me and would continue to be with me.  I knew he would be there for Penelope as well.  Although it was just the sound of a motorcycle, it was everything I needed at that moment.

 Tyson was also able to give me a blessing the night after we spoke with the surgeon.  I needed to feel at peace and have my mind at ease, after hearing all of the risks of the operation.  The blessing has helped me out immensely.  I was also able to talk to my second father, Dave Killpack. He knows exactly how to help calm my heart.  He also has given me many blessings over the years and the perfect advice.  He talked to me a lot about faith and reminded me that I can do hard things.  I am so grateful I have so many strong people that I can lean on.

I came across this quote today and it just hit me.

"Imagine yourself as a living house.  God comes in to rebuild that house.  At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing.  He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised.  But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominable and does not seem to make any sense.  What on earth is He up to?  The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.  You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.  He intends to come and live in it Himself."
- C.S. Lewis

I can only hope and pray I am learning what I am supposed to from all of this.  I hope I can stay strong. There are so many times I want to let all of my emotions and thoughts get the best of me.  I know that if Penelope could talk to me, she would tell me that everything is going to be okay.  She is already helping me with every smile and sound that she makes.  I love being her mom more than anything.  She is my whole world and is teaching me every day.  
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  1. this post put me to tears, you are truly AMAZING!!! I can't imagine how scary and hard this must be for all of you. My sister made me a little frame with the saying "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have!" once while Mado was having a hard time at Primary's, and it's so true and you are already showing that! You are such a strong girl Janessa, and with your positive attitude and with the Lord and your dad by your side you will be amazed at all that you will be able to handle! I can't stop thinking about Penelope, she is constantly in my thoughts and prayers! I love that girl even though I have never met her, you both are such examples to me, especially when I need it most!

  2. Such a wonderful quote, I think I may have to frame this somewhere in my house :) Your daughter is beautiful and shines with love!