Just a warning, that this post is going to a ramble of sorts. My thoughts and emotions have been all over the place these past couple of days. Maybe it's because Tyson was out of town or maybe it's because P has been sick off and on for what feels like months, or it could quite possibly be the pregnancy hormones. Sometimes as a mother I feel so inadequate, before I lay my head down at night I wonder if I am enough for Penelope. I try so so hard.
Toddlers are not my cup of tea. There is this communication barrier that is rather difficult to overcome. There is no reasoning with a toddler or explaining why they can't have something. They can't tell you what they want to eat. I struggle with what to feed P everyday. I want to make sure she is getting all of her fruits, veggies, etc., but sometimes it's impossible. One day she loves something, the next day it's her worst enemy. I try to think of fun activities for her to do throughout the day. We go on walks, the park, her MyGym class, swim lessons, bubbles and the pool. For some reason she still seems bored or needy for me at all times. I can't even use the bathroom without her clingy to me and wanting me to hold her. Yes, she is great for other people, but for me she is difficult.
My mom can testify to this! She has been nothing but amazing. She is always at the other end of the phone giving me uplifting and encouraging words, reminding me that I can do it and that I am a good mom. She understands and gets it. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She never makes me feel bad for complaining or almost breaking down in tears. She laughs and cries along with me.
Don't get me wrong, the good times definitely out weigh the bad. Watching P develop this bursting personality and a love for us as her parents is nothing short of amazing. Her fake laughs and dance moves get me through those days that sometimes seem so monotonous. Her kisses and the moments where she lays her head on my shoulder give me that boost that she needs me. Watching her fold her arms for her prayers remind me that I am doing something right. Hearing her say mama is music to my ears. I love this little girl of mine more than anything. Loving her just comes easy!
I've been thinking about motherhood a lot lately. Almost laughing at what I thought it would be like. I had imagined in my head that I would be the perfect mom. I am guilty of saying I would "never" have a messy car, my child would "always" be dressed perfectly and my house would remain spotless. Boy was I wrong. I totally get it now and admire so many woman around me seem to do it all, but honestly I really look up to those that let you know feel like you aren't alone. They let you know that their kids bite and hit other kids too, they struggle to keep up with the laundry, making dinner is not their most favorite part of the day either. I'm learning that everyone is honestly doing their very best. I may not know the circumstances behind all things and everything isn't always as perfect as it seems and that's okay.
Penelope and this new baby on the way are some of my biggest blessings. I wonder sometimes why I got so lucky to be their mom and why Heavenly Father trusted me with them. I am realizing that with prayer and gratitude in my heart, everyday can be that much better. As I wonder around my house aimlessly picking up the same items over and over again, I am reminded how lucky I am to have this job. It means that I have people who need me and what a blessing that is.